Limericks

The beauty of using a spade
Is a pleasure that never will fade
I dig up my garden
But I do beg your pardon
Poor worm that I’ve sliced with the blade.

 

A smooth talking swine from upstate
Convinced he could evade his fate
Spoke with great charm
To the man on the farm
But he still ended up on the plate.

 

The triumph of Henry the King
Began when he started to sing
His foes plugged their ears
And fled home in tears
From his voice did his victory spring.

 

A baldy man his name was Higgs
Tried a quack cure, a diet of figs
It made him quite pale
And was destined to fail
For the one cure for baldness is wigs.

 

Oh when will I discover peace?
Tomorrow or mabye next week?
I stand and I strain
But always in vain
With this prostate I can’t take a leak.

 

The mighty King Numenides
Said “Death to all my enemies
Who brought me stale Gouda
With a strong pungent odour
And I’m just not a big fan of cheese.”

 

The artist he showed of his work
But then he felt oh such a berk
“It’s been hung upside down.
I feel such a clown.”
But he still took the cash with a smirk.

 

A man with the strength of a bull
Left the china shop ’cause it was dull
But he couldn’t get out
’til someone did shout
“Can’t you see that that door is marked pull.”

 

There once was a lady from Spain
Who had breath like a foul stagnant drain
She breathed on a wood
And then where it stood
Was a barren and featureless plain.

 

Lady Macbeth had a daughter
And she sent her to fetch her some water
The reason is clear
But only a tear
Can wash clean the stain of the slaughter.

 

A dark King was laid in a barrow
With treasure laid in the way narrow
But the rain washed away
The soil in a day
And his bones were picked clean by a sparrow.

 

At a quiet and intimate venue
My girlfriend said to me “When you
Are eating with me
Don’t other girls see
And please keep your eyes on the menu.”